I started the Welcome to rabbit whole several years ago one day because
felt I wanted to vent. As you see I only put two entries. For whatever the
reason I remembered about it today and decided to write in it again.
So much has happen since my last post in 2009……
I reread my posts and realized I never crawled out. It’s now 2013; 4
years later and I still feel that same as I did then. Why do I stay at the
bottom of the rabbit whole?
Well I was officially diagnosed with a delusional disorder. I’ve written several things to myself over the
years…..
I wake up every day not knowing if my memories of the day before of
real or not. I wake up every day and know that my wife doesn’t believe what I say.
I wake up every day and see that look in my kids eyes that says, “why did I get
the crazy father?” Every day I see a look from my in laws that says, “how did
my daughter end up with him?”
I spend hours a day walking. Own members of my family describe them as “walks”.
They have no clue if I’m really walking or what I’m doing. I can’t blame anyone
for not believing. I mean who would believe that someone would wake up at 1am
and go out and walk till 6am doing nothing but looking at the sky. I just wrote
that and I’m the one doing it and it doesn’t make sense. To them I’ve spent
years lying, but is it a lie if my brain believed what I was saying? Is it a
lie if I was reciting what I thought was memories?
I have lost some friends due to this. I’ve lost some good friends. I’ve
lost who’ve I’ve lost because I started to drink. I’ve been asked several times
by friends and elders when I did start. I always said about year ago. I’ve
realized I know exactly when it started. It started October 22, 2011. I was up
in Maine at a place called Rivalries watching a Bruins game with a friend who
was visiting from out of state. It was from that day forward that I started
having something to drink every day. It was only fitting that is was the same
friend saw how bad it was a few years later. He talked to about my drinking
several times over the few days that saw him and every time he did he mentions
that day up in Maine. Even he realizes that was where it started. It took a
while for it to get noticeable, but when it did there was turning back.
Looking back I have no idea how I let it get to the point it did or why
I let it get to the point it did. I blamed everyone I could and never looked at
myself. At height of my drinking my day consisted of waking up at 2am and
drinking a bottle of rum and a 12 pack of beer before I went to work. I’d get
another 12 pack on my way in and put it into a cooler under my desk. I’d drink
those before noon. I’d go to lunch and have “special” mia tai’s, usually 2,
sometimes 3. I’d get back work about 1:30’sh. Around 3 I’d start getting
invites to go back out and usually by 3:30 I was sitting at bar drinking and
would down Coors light bottles until I started heading home around 5:30/6’sh. My
Mia Tai’s and bar tabs where for the most part covered by that company I worked
for. They set up tabs because I was always working messed up hours. It was
never questioned for 2 reasons. First reason the CFO and head account
controller where my friends. Second reason is they were the ones asking me to
go and approving my expenses.
The most messed up thing about it is I spent that better part of a year
drunk and no one knew. I stopped drinking and ended up losing my job because I
wouldn’t do something that honestly if I was asked to do a month before I would
have done because I would have been drunk. I used to sit in meetings and fall
asleep and no one would say a word. The expression that says – it’s all in who
you know – really is true.
Those people I knew when everything hit the fan and my refusing to do
something put their asses on the line they were more than happy to sit silently
and let me rot. These where people I talked to every day. I spent more time
with them than my only family, but in the end they sat and let me the “sacrificial
lamb”.
I blamed them for a long time for what happen. I finally had to say and
admit that I was all on me. They didn’t force me to drink. They may have enabled
it by paying for it, but they didn’t have a gun to my head. I mean I saw
nothing wrong with waking up at 2am and downing a bottle of rum every night.
The sad thing is now that this has all come out I keep getting accused of
drinking and I’m not, but I spent months in a constant state of messed up and
no one ever said a thing. I’m not saying it’s anyone but my one fault. I think
it just shows people see what they want to see.
I think people see what they want to see. I really think if I hadn’t
stopped drinking and come forward about it that still no one would really know.
I’m not proud of that, but that is how I feel…….
As I was writing this I looked at my phone and noticed today is October 21. why would I remember this blog the day before the anniversary date of what I consider to be the start on my drinking
